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Transformative acceptance

It’s a beautiful paradox that when I give up on the idea of changing/fixing/improving/healing myself and become anyone else than the person I am right now, something shifts. When I fully allow what’s alive in me to show itself, a change happens. When I allow what is true in the moment to just be the way it is, it automatically develops into something else. When I allow myself to be as I am in the moment, I’m free. I’m safe. I’m connected. Love, Evalotta.

On courageous vulnerability

Once upon a time, vulnerability was shameful to me. It was a flaw. I thought I needed to be strong and in control; that vulnerability was an unwanted state, something that should’ve passed over a long time ago. Insecurity was shameful and since I wanted to be worthy of love and connection, I couldn’t afford being flawed like that. Then I did this work with self compassion and learned to embrace the shame; to meet it and love myself whatever I felt. To be there for me wholeheartedly. Now courageous vulnerability has become my safe haven, my gateway to liberation, inner peace, freedom, connection, contact, joy, self worth, creativity, genuineness and space. It gives me integrity and strength. I’ve made a very conscious decision to allow myself to be a work in progress, to be proud of myself for doing the work, wherever I am on my journey, whatever my difficulties are. I’ve decided that I’m allowed to be brilliant and confused, secure and insecure, very wise and in the fog, free in the moment …

To courageously practice vulnerability

If you’ve been training to avoid vulnerability for decades, … it will take a conscious effort to embrace it.… it may take a focused effort to embrace it.… it takes conscious un-training to embrace it.… it will likely require un-training to embrace it. To be seen, you need to show yourself. Doing so, it’s of the utmost importance not to judge anything you find in the vulnerable state. You need to practice self respect and love for what you see. Vulnerability without self criticism gives you integrity, strength, self respect and warmth. It opens up for genuine contact. It’s highly attractive! It’s like coming home. Love,Evalotta.

On shame 2 – Avoid shame or look it in the eyes

It takes a lot of energy to avoid shame.Trying to avoid shame doesn’t lead you to where you want to be in life.Instead of heading for the things you want to do, your focus is drawn to what you want to avoid (don’t want to be seen as; don’t want to feel…).Trying to avoid being seen as selfish, lazy, dumb, unintelligent, bad, self absorbed, unbalanced, weird, bossy, shy, worthless etc, is a common driving force in many people’s lives. It makes us self judgmental, withdrawn, externalized (acting out) and other things that doesn’t promote connection. Instead I can look shame in the eyes and ask it to show itself.”So what if I am all the things you say I am and that I use to try not to be; what if? Would that make me unworthy of love and connection?”Here I can choose if I want to expand my self image to humbly include everything that might be true about a human being. Doing so is very deliberating. It doesn’t mean that I am selfish …

The bliss of getting lost

I’am dwelling in a deep peace, the peace beyond getting lost. I’ve spent so many years trying to heal my wounds. It’s been helpful, but trying to do this in order to make the wounds disappear was impassable. The only way through is to embrace them. At some level I’ve been whole all the time. At another level I’m wounded and so, I can be a wounded healer. Knowing the pain, being fully human. Sometimes my old wounds get triggered and I get lost in the fog. That’s painful but human, so very human. I’ve decided to provide a life for myself where it’s ok to get lost; a life where I never need to feel shame for any reaction, emotion or need. I always have my own back and whatever happens, I never abandon myself. So, admitting the wounds and allowing myself to vulnerably expose my dysfunctional reactions without acting on them, sets me free. I may loose track of my way, of what I know is true, but just for a while. I …

On self criticism

I believe we do everything we do in order to meet a need; even being self critical.What need is behind the criticism?When and why do we start to blame ourselves? When we feel insecure? To avoid the pain of shame?I think we blame ourself as a way to protect our sensitive hearts and souls from feeling unloved, insecure, unseen, unwanted, rejected, alone, disconnected etc. If so, the needs are love, safety, to be seen, to be wanted, to be welcome and to get community and connection etc. It’s helpful to identify the need behind our self critical behavior, because the self criticism doesn’t meet the need. As adults, what helps us is no longer to try to avoid the pain, it’s to understand the need and how to get it met. This is scary and difficult for most adults, but it’s a practice. You need to courageously vulnerably accept and show your needs for them to be met. And you need to get your needs met, otherwise you’ll feel miserable. When we judge ourselves, we …

Vulnerability with shame or vulnerability with self respect

Today, I think about the difference between showing vulnerability when judging oneself and doing it with self respect and loving acceptance.The first one is not pleasant at all.If I happen to judge myself for what I’m feeling/doing/not succeed with, the vulnerability will probably be accompanied by a sense of shame and who wants that? Better so to avoid showing up in that state. But there is a way to be vulnerable that is connected to freedom, integrity, courage and strength. That is when I don’t judge myself but try to understand and say ok to what I feel/need/do/don’t. To courageously show myself might feel scary, unsafe, painful etc, but the feeling afterwards is pleasant. My space just got bigger. I do this action mostly for myself, so I’m not very dependent on how others react as long as I’m there for me, seeing my courage. This affects how we relate to vulnerability.If we do it out of shame, we don’t want it.If we do it out of self respect, it will set us free.

About being great and risk to lose love and connection

There are two ditches, both uncomfortable.One is to succeed, to expand into your potential, and then become alone because other people don’t understand that you still need love, support and connection.The other is to stay small and secure, to not risk loosing love and support because of your strength. I think about the third alternative where we can be both strong and successful, sensitive and in need of support, brilliant and independent, stuck and in need of help. We don’t need to be either or, we can be everything that a person can be. So how does a strong and successful person get the love, support and connection he needs? He vulnerably shows what he needs when he needs it. She courageously tells others that she needs them. He includes a need for support, love and connection in his self image and this allows him to be a great man who also is humbly human. She courageously dares to be great and successful, and vulnerably shows her need of love and support. How does a …

To really see

To see, to really see, means to clear the mind from everything that might blur the view.To really see menas that I see you, without mixing you up with my memories, my fears, my ideas of what you represent; without comparison and judgement. To really see means that I strive towards really seeing myself clear; to see the beauty in my being, to get to know myself on a deep level so that love awakens.When I see myself in a vulnerable way, without judging, my heart will be touched. And when everything about myself is ok, there will be no need whatsoever to judge anyone else. My goal is to be able to see with a clear view.I fail and when I fail there might be a conflict.Sometimes there’s also a conflict because I protect my space and set boundaries for someone, but that conflict doesn’t affect me in the same way that the ones where I happen to judge myself in some way. We all have a place inside where the view is clear. …

Self criticism and the way out of it.

I think we’ve a good reason for everything we do and I’v spent a lot of time to think upon self criticism and self blaming. What need are we trying to meet by engaging in that? I think safety. When I was young, my parents couldn’t meet my emotional needs.I needed to feel safe and couldn’t afford my parents to be flawed in that way, so I draw the conclusion that it must be something wrong with me. My emotions and my need were the problem. If only I could get rid of them, then my parents would be able to care for me. And when it turned out not to be enough, I tried other strategies to become safe. The self criticism let my parents stay good and that gave me some security and also hope. If I only…then I would be safe. Then I’d get the care I needed. I tried perfectionism, to never fail, to get rid of my needs even more by not eating, to be a very attentive listener, to …