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On Self Leadership and Being

The other night, I dreamt that my identity card was taken and so I need a new image to identify myself with. My idea of who I am. Who I have the right to be, because I already am and have always been.

This is what I hear when I listen to the horses in the pasture…

You must lead yourself.
To lead yourself, you must know who you are.
You must also know who you are related to the others.

This is a never ending explorative journey;
you are new every day.
In a new group, you are totally new
and in every group that you are in, you are new every time that is new.

You will never find out who you are, because it’s an ongoing and ever-changing process.

Yet you are always the same.
Beyond your experiences, filters, memories and concerns,
you are an open shell that embraces the whole.
Open, receptive and connected to your origin.
A shell with an open space inside.
The space might look empty, but it’s open and ready to be filled.
You can fill this space with light.
You must know that your wounds and hurtful experiences are not a part of you.
They are inside this void, but they are loose.

When you see yourself struggle,
when you are struggling,
you must know that it’s just something that you do.
It’s not who you are.
Whatever struggles you go through, whatever your journey looks like,
your being is a peace. Try to find that being.
It’s there, right in front of you. So close that you can’t see it.
It’s already intertwined with you, merged with you, so you need to go deep inside.

Your being doesn’t exist in time, it does only exist in the present moment.
If you want to get in touch with who you really are, you must stop and dwell in the present moment. There you can see things clearly, if only for a while.

You can see the content or you can see the open, receptive shell.
Your shell is not just a shell, it’s unique and eternally you.
It’s small as an atom and big as the universe.
You can focus yourself into a point or expand immensely,
in the present moment.
The content is ok, there’s no need to improve it.
The thing is to know that it’s loose and that your being is to be found beyond it.
Right in this moment.
Already perfect. Already loved. Always loving you.

See your greatness

You need to know and understand your greatness. Get to know yourself and your task; to live your greatness is your task.

It’s not about you not having the need to be great or you not wanting to think you’re special.
It’s about the whole, the group, the community. Everyone’s task is to know and live their greatness. That’s generosity. That’s contribution. That is NOT to be superficial. That is to take responsibility.

You must know who you are, who you really are.
Be the greatness that you are so that balance can be created and things can be as they were ment to be.

This is what the horses told me an early morning in the pasture.

You need to know who you really are. To really know who you are.



Transformative acceptance

It’s a beautiful paradox that when I give up on the idea of changing/fixing/improving/healing myself and become anyone else than the person I am right now, something shifts.

When I fully allow what’s alive in me to show itself, a change happens.

When I allow what is true in the moment to just be the way it is, it automatically develops into something else.

When I allow myself to be as I am in the moment, I’m free. I’m safe. I’m connected.



On courageous vulnerability

Once upon a time, vulnerability was shameful to me. It was a flaw. I thought I needed to be strong and in control; that vulnerability was an unwanted state, something that should’ve passed over a long time ago. Insecurity was shameful and since I wanted to be worthy of love and connection, I couldn’t afford being flawed like that.

Then I did this work with self compassion and learned to embrace the shame; to meet it and love myself whatever I felt. To be there for me wholeheartedly.

Now courageous vulnerability has become my safe haven, my gateway to liberation, inner peace, freedom, connection, contact, joy, self worth, creativity, genuineness and space. It gives me integrity and strength.

I’ve made a very conscious decision to allow myself to be a work in progress, to be proud of myself for doing the work, wherever I am on my journey, whatever my difficulties are. I’ve decided that I’m allowed to be brilliant and confused, secure and insecure, very wise and in the fog, free in the moment and affected by old wounds, with a lot to say or just quiet. Everything is ok.

And I know this vulnerability is my way from insecurity to security, from fog to clarity, from tension to relaxation. Everything is ok, every day, again and again.
It’s ok to forget the new and fall into the past. I can just vulnerably admit that and rise again, into the new. Into the present moment.



On passion

I love you with a sweet tenderness,
with a strong passion,
in a calm and strong way,

I want you to want me,
to look for me,
long for me,
search for me.

I’m so close,
just a breath away.

All your longing is for me,
it’s me that you want.

You’re meeting me in every person that sees your soul
you become attached to them
you get disappointed if you think they are the one you long for
because they are not me.

You long for this love because it’s calling you from inside.
I love you so.

Your eternal self, dwelling in the unconditional love,
attracting you home.

On longing

Yesterday a deep, intense longing came over me.
I know this longing, it has been with me for decades.
I easily project my longing on a specific person, believing that it is this person I long for and yearn to be close to.
I also know that this is a pitfall.
The other person is not the answer to my longing.
The closeness of the other person soothes me, but the longing comes from the void. It is a calling from beyond the void; a calling to come home, a longing to belong, to connect to the inner source of love that’s always there. Waiting for me, trying to reach my attention, makes me long for deep love.
The source long for me and makes me long for the source.

Sometimes this love flows between human hearts and this can create confusion. It can make us search for it in each other, where we last found it, just to notice that it isn’t there to be found.

Yesterday I lay down and met my longing, followed it to it’s source and came to peace. I love you, inner light. I love you, higher self. I love you, my beloved. I am in love and never separated.



To courageously practice vulnerability

If you’ve been training to avoid vulnerability for decades,

… it will take a conscious effort to embrace it.
… it may take a focused effort to embrace it.
… it takes conscious un-training to embrace it.
… it will likely require un-training to embrace it.

To be seen, you need to show yourself. Doing so, it’s of the utmost importance not to judge anything you find in the vulnerable state. You need to practice self respect and love for what you see. Vulnerability without self criticism gives you integrity, strength, self respect and warmth. It opens up for genuine contact. It’s highly attractive! It’s like coming home.


On shame 2 – Avoid shame or look it in the eyes

It takes a lot of energy to avoid shame.
Trying to avoid shame doesn’t lead you to where you want to be in life.
Instead of heading for the things you want to do, your focus is drawn to what you want to avoid (don’t want to be seen as; don’t want to feel…).
Trying to avoid being seen as selfish, lazy, dumb, unintelligent, bad, self absorbed, unbalanced, weird, bossy, shy, worthless etc, is a common driving force in many people’s lives. It makes us self judgmental, withdrawn, externalized (acting out) and other things that doesn’t promote connection.

Instead I can look shame in the eyes and ask it to show itself.
”So what if I am all the things you say I am and that I use to try not to be; what if? Would that make me unworthy of love and connection?”
Here I can choose if I want to expand my self image to humbly include everything that might be true about a human being. Doing so is very deliberating. It doesn’t mean that I am selfish and lazy (or else), it does only mean that if I happen to be, I would still be ok. I don’t need to judge that about me or anyone else, everything is ok.
Beyond that there’s also an empathetic level of understanding where ”selfish” equals ”trying to take care of one’s own needs while, by some reason, not being able to care for other’s needs at the same time” and ”dumb” equals for example ”not understanding a thing in the way it was explained” or ”being unable to understand or do something in the present moment because of stress” or similar.

During the years I’ve added selfish, self absorbed, dumb, unbalanced, boring, annoying, demanding, dramatic, my need for closeness and confirmation etc in my possible self image. If that was true, it would be ok. I would still be ok.

What do you try to avoid being seen as? Do you judge this in other people? Could it be understood with empathy?



The bliss of getting lost

I’am dwelling in a deep peace, the peace beyond getting lost.

I’ve spent so many years trying to heal my wounds. It’s been helpful, but trying to do this in order to make the wounds disappear was impassable. The only way through is to embrace them. At some level I’ve been whole all the time. At another level I’m wounded and so, I can be a wounded healer. Knowing the pain, being fully human.

Sometimes my old wounds get triggered and I get lost in the fog. That’s painful but human, so very human. I’ve decided to provide a life for myself where it’s ok to get lost; a life where I never need to feel shame for any reaction, emotion or need. I always have my own back and whatever happens, I never abandon myself.

So, admitting the wounds and allowing myself to vulnerably expose my dysfunctional reactions without acting on them, sets me free. I may loose track of my way, of what I know is true, but just for a while. I need to allow myself to get lost to be able to find an unknown glade. Admit instead of control or deny. Admit to be able to let go. Under and beyond the fog, the view is clear. For me, after the fog a brightness follows. The sight is much clearer than before, the love flows much stronger, the life flows within and I’m connected. Everything is fine. There is no aching wound, there is just love.

I embrace the dips, because they make my sight new, so soft and tender, so bright and clear. I embrace it all, because I’m already embraced by the greater love.

On self criticism

I believe we do everything we do in order to meet a need; even being self critical.
What need is behind the criticism?
When and why do we start to blame ourselves? When we feel insecure? To avoid the pain of shame?
I think we blame ourself as a way to protect our sensitive hearts and souls from feeling unloved, insecure, unseen, unwanted, rejected, alone, disconnected etc. If so, the needs are love, safety, to be seen, to be wanted, to be welcome and to get community and connection etc.

It’s helpful to identify the need behind our self critical behavior, because the self criticism doesn’t meet the need. As adults, what helps us is no longer to try to avoid the pain, it’s to understand the need and how to get it met. This is scary and difficult for most adults, but it’s a practice. You need to courageously vulnerably accept and show your needs for them to be met. And you need to get your needs met, otherwise you’ll feel miserable.

When we judge ourselves, we hurt ourselves. It’s self bullying. It must stop, immediately. Self bullying is a strategy to meet a need. If we can identify the need, our grown up part can help the young part inside to get that need met. There are so many ways in which our needs can be met. It’s a practice to dare to show ones needs. At first shame may arise, and if so, just stop, welcome it and accept it. It will fade. We’re so worthy of love and connection. Vulnerability is difficult in the beginning, but self bullying is much more difficult t live with. It might not appear so when you’re used to it, but when it has stopped you’ll see the difference.

The alternative is self empathy. A loving understanding of feelings and needs.
Self criticism is painful but there is a way out!